The waiting game...

We're either waiting for one thing or another around here. However recently it seems that we've been waiting on pins and needles on the results of this test or another. My HCG hormone levels are not increasing as fast as the Dr. D would like, I passed my preeclampsia test, failed my gestational diabetes test, and now just finished a ultra sound at the hospital, in which we are again waiting for the results to be read by Dr D. I was hoping for a reading today, but that did not happen. What I can tell you is that having a VERY full bladder and having someone push on it is VERY uncomfortable, and I would not like to do it again. There is a baby in there, and there is a heartbeat. Although the tech had a very hard time finding it because my heartbeat was beating so fast and hard that it was overshadowing the baby's. Once I calmed down she was able to locate the baby's heartbeat. Which is a serious load off my mind. But doesn't put us out of the woods just yet. We lost our last baby after seeing it's heartbeat at 7 weeks. So...we wait, and we see what Dr. D has to say.
Until then I am revelling in the fact that I'm sick most days, and dealing with sore boobs, that are growing out of my bra and praying that God's will be done.
Until next time...

Confusion...hurt...tears...

Last week Pookie and I went to the Ultra Sound and check up. We did see a little baby on the monitor, however it was not as big as we'd hoped. So either I am off on my ovulation chart, or things are not looking so positive for this pregnancy. In hopes of finding out what is going on, Dr. D decided that I needed a blood work up done. Plus we needed to see where my sugar levels are as I am diabetic while pregnant. So...Friday morning I went in and got my blood drawn after fasting for 12 hours...which ended up being closer to 15 hours and I was starving! Then had more blood drawn on Sunday. Along with that I got the pleasure of urinating in a jug for 24 hours. That alone was great fun! (NOT!) Anywhoo...the results are in and while they are not great they are not totally condemning either. My sugar levels were a bit up (I expected that), but my hormone levels are not doubling as Dr. D would like this early in the pregnancy. So tomorrow morning I am going in again for another blood draw to see where these levels are in hopes that they have gone up and not started leveling off or worse declining. I should know tomorrow afternoon sometime.
I have been up since 3 AM with a yucky tummy and just can't imagine that I would feel this horrible if I were not indeed going to keep this pregnancy. But truly only God knows what is in store for me that this blessed child.
That being said, I am fearful that I will not be able to hold this pregnancy. I am fearful of what this disappointment will do to our Pookie, whom is very much in love with her sibling that is inside my womb.
I have been able to cry a bit, let out some emotion. I just basically don't understand why. I may never understand, and yet I may come one day.
Until next time....

Feelings from the heart...

Last year at this time, I was gleefully expecting our second child. A week before Thanksgiving...the unthinkable happened.
In May of this year we found out we were yet again expecting...June 17th, we were told there is no heartbeat.
It is with great fear that I sit here at my laptop writing to you that we are indeed expecting again. This fear has become a "friend" so to speak. I am so afraid to be excited about the possibility of this pregnancy that there are no words to describe how I am feeling about it. There are too many words that fit how I feel, but not just one will do.
I'm not sure how many family members actually read this, they may indeed get a shock when they read this as we've not told about the pregnancy. Only to preserve the fact that Dang! it's hard to retract those words, I'm pregnant! With...well we've lost the baby again. However, I need to get this off my chest before I explode...so blogging will become my vent and you can choose to listen or to delete. We also chose not to tell for a reason that I will tell you is extremely painful...
When I found out I was pregnant this time around, I was scared. No symptoms...none! Felt fine as a frogs hair, just a little more tired than usual, to be expected, not only was I pregnant, but I was burning the candle at both ends a bit, staying up late like 1am and getting up at 5-6...not the amount of sleep that I needed or the pregnancy for that fact.
THEN...
I went on a girls weekend. A much needed retreat for me and a close girlfriend. We did a lot of shopping, looking and eating at nice restaurants. Everything has changed. I guess it is nice to actually have some symptoms of pregnancy. I just don't know what to do about them, or how to feel about them. Should I be excited that my boobs are feeling like they may fall off because they are so heavy? Should I be excited that food is not looking so good for me at the moment? Should I be excited that I am having very vivid dreams that wake me up in the middle of the night? Dreams of twin babies...dreams of stillborn births....dreams of another miscarriage...dreams of Pookie as an small babe and then her dying in my arms. I'm not sure why these dreams are coming. They could be in fact just dreams to dream while sleeping...but what if? Should I be excited that I'm so darn tired that I could sleep for years and still feel tired? I'm not sure yet.
Today at 10am Pookie and I will go to the doctor and hopefully get some of these answers. I'd rather not include Pookie yet as her heart will be smashed yet again if we go through another miscarriage, but I also want her to be included in this blessing. She desires a sibling so badly, just as she yearned for a friend to play with earlier this year. Now that the friends have been found and she's regularly out and about, oh how my sweet babe has grown!
Realizing that this gift from God is put on this earth for a purpose, I am trying to overcome my earthly tendencies and rejoice in the fact that God chose me to be a vessel for his creation. His miracle....so hard...oh so hard.
Unfortunately we've been hit with a slugger if you will. Upon our finding out about this pregnancy, my step sister whom had set the date for her C-Section of Dec 1, 2009 delivered at 36 weeks a stillborn baby boy. They are not sure what happened, she'd been to the DR the week prior and all was well. I can't imagine what she is going through...except the feelings that I've had during and after a miscarriage. Not that the bond between mother and baby in the early stages are not deep, or special, because they are...but to carry a child to term, only to have that child be delivered without life? It slays my heart to even think about it. Luckily my step mom is there to be supportive and help her down this rocky road. I pray that her relationship with God will become even closer and that she not close out her other children, who are older but still need the guidance of their mother.
Where we didn't feel right telling my father and step mom about our news, we've opted to not tell our families until Christmas...although that will be a hard one with Pookie coming with me for the ultrasound today. She'll want to tell everyone that she talks to. Which while writing this I've come to terms with, and feel that it is her right to be excited and tell the world if she cares too. What a sweet girl she is!
It is 4:27 am here...I've been up since 3am. Woke to pee and woke from a dream. I'm feeling like I could take a nap again...so I'll lay my head down for a quick snooze before the chaos of the day begins.
Until next time...

Good Tuesday morning!

In leiu of recent moving events, I thought I'd share with you where we were...3 bedroom duplex.....

And now....3 bedroom house! What could be better right? I'm not sure, I'll have to get back to you on that one.

While there isn't much difference in actual size, the set up is much better and it just feels like home. I love that feeling!

Until next time...

Finally a blog post...Not Me Monday!

Hello there!!! I tell you this post will indeed fill in some gaps, as I've not posted in what seems like forever...and may as well raise some added questions. So, being as it is Monday, and what does Monday mean? Not Me Monday of course...so without further ado....



Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.


We recently moved to a small town, and into a gorgeous house! I most certainly have not allowed Pookie to use our new hot tub. Granted of course with adult supervision...but a 4 year old in a hot tub? hmmm....pediatrician did not recommend doing such things. But who can resist her? She just wants in on the fun! And fun she's been having! "Mom look! I'm standing up in the middle of the pool." She says.

As I just said, we recently moved (Beginning of Sept), and I most certainly have not just unpacked the necessities and left the rest for now. I'm a very organized kind a gal and everything has its place and therefore it must be unpacked and put away....some day. :)

I most certainly did not volunteer my hubby to work in the pool board booth at the fair this past weekend. He has enough to do as it is, and since it was on a Sunday I knew he'd be thrilled to help out. Nope I wouldn't give up our only day together for him and I to go and do that.

While visiting the park, Pookie said she needed to potty, and the of course the bathrooms were locked. I most certainly did not take her to the car and promptly put on "Bean's" diaper from a few weeks ago when I watched her so that Pookie would be able to relieve herself.

I hope to get everyone caught up and up to date soon. With everything going on, certain things were put on hold until some sort of sanity became of it.

Until next time...

This morning I woke early, and came out to the living room to find that it had rained. I love the smell of the air after a rain, so I opened up the sliding glass door to let in swirl into the house. It smells so sweet and clean. YUM!
Pookie woke up early too. Although she has since gone back to bed. Poor thing is exhausted.
Carchie and I are getting ready to once again uproot our family and move. We've loved living in our current home, with the exception of listening to the neighbors bass that pounds through the common living wall at times when we are trying to sleep. But that is besides the point. I'm sure they can hear us at times also. But to actually live in a house, a real house, not a duplex, not an apartment, not a manufactured home, but a stick built 3 year old house, has me doing back flips...well, a modified version of them that is. I am excited to be living in a small community again, away from all this gang activity that is circling our area, Pookie will have a smaller school to attend which I think will benefit her in several ways. Carchie will still be close to work, and will be even closer to his summer time job. We are excited!
Last week the decision was made to wean Grandpa off of his Alzheimer's medicine. It's just not working for him any longer, and why put toxins into your body if you don't have to? Since removing him, he's quickly become quite confused and disorientated. Very sad. However, he and Pookie are still having quite a time playing with the balloons. Bating them back and forth across the living room. Good memories!

Until next time...

Tired...

Today I am tired.

Tired of laundry that never seems to end.

Tired of getting up early to do school work or just trying to get some "me" time. There are some days I'd like to just stay in bed.

Tired of housework.

Tired of packing.

Tired of not being organized.

Tired of not being able to do what I feel I should be doing because of this or that.

I'm tired; my body is aching from being tired

My mind is tired from running non stop trying to remember this and that.

I'm tired...